I could have mohawked her pubes.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
