I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
