I cannot find my penis.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Bang-toberfest begins!!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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