do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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