It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
