My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
