i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
