Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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