I haven't been this sober since birth.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
