Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
