my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
