Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
