hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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