I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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