Redeem this text for a blowjob
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
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