last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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