i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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