he shaved USA in his pubs
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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