nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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