you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
