you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
