Sponge bath it is.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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