I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
