Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
