You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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