____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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