News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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