the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
