all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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