I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
