When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
