"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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