whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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