I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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