Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You're like the curious george of whores
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
