she woke up with a sticky ear
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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