We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
