i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
