I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
