Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
