Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
a search helicopter?!
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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