Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
