tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We left an ass print on the piano.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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