I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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