Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
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