Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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