I will die if light touches me.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
