I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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