peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
