I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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