she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
