Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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