apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
