nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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