I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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