Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
