I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I think your dad took our porno
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Randomize
