Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
splinters make it hard to masturbate
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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